Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
