I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
