his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
