put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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