We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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