1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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