great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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