boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
