I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
