that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
