I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
