Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
