I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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