wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
