gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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