i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dick has a subreddit
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
