Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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