Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
