well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
