I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
