Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
