I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My hand turned me down
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
What a dumb baby whore.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
