During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
