Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
