im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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