dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
