I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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