you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
