dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
