Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
