You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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