I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
