I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
