You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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