Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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