Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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