just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
