tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
