i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
