My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
