The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
