***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was born a porn star she said
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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