I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
