I accidentally had phone sex last night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I need a beard to bite.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
