LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
