I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
