I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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