I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
