Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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