OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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